Thursday, January 9, 2014

Allow Patton Oswalt To Explain How ‘The Hobbit’ Is Like Taking A Massive Dump + more

Allow Patton Oswalt To Explain How ‘The Hobbit’ Is Like Taking A Massive Dump + more

Allow Patton Oswalt To Explain How ‘The Hobbit’ Is Like Taking A Massive Dump

Posted: 09 Jan 2014 03:20 AM PST

Patton Oswalt had quite an eventful appearance on Conan last night. We’ve already covered the excellent “Patton Oswalt Gets The Crap Kicked Out Of Him” supercut Conan put together. But that was only part of the fun, because Patton had diarrhea stories to tell.

As Oswalt explains in the clip above, he caught a nasty stomach virus immediately after the holidays. Fortunately, he managed to entertain himself during the miserable illness by comparing its stages and symptoms to movies like Die Hard and The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. Along the way, he may have stumbled upon what Tolkien was really trying to say when he wrote The Hobbit.

Team Coco

Steve Carell Defines What It Means To Be The Greatest Dad Alive On ‘The Tonight Show’

Posted: 08 Jan 2014 11:05 PM PST

Steve Carell is a funny guy and genuinely seems like a good person to be around.  But I would add greatest dad alive to his resume after he revealed on The Tonight Show that he rented Predator for his nine-year-old son during a sleep over and let them watch it from start to finish.

I can’t imagine a better introduction to the world of R-rated filmmaking, save for Porky’s or Commando. I still vividly remember my first R-rated movie, Die Hard With A Vengeance, and how I gloated about watching it to the severely uptight video store clerk. Much better than my first adult movie in general, Caddyshack 2.

But just thinking of all the moments that you’d have to explain to a kid throughout the movie. The scene where the Soviets execute a guy without remorse, the skinned corpses hanging from the trees, Carl Weather’s jelly arm getting detached from his body and of course the Predator admiring his skulls. I think I want kids just to have this kind of experience with them. That’s also why I should be kept away from children at all costs.

I think Carell deserves an award for having the guts to show a film about an extraterrestrial hunter methodically slaughtering a team of commandos to a group of children. He’s got backbone, even if he’s raising a snitch for a son.

(Via Tonight Show)

Let’s Learn A Little Bit About Time With The Hilariously Disturbing ‘Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared II’

Posted: 08 Jan 2014 10:08 PM PST

When I saw the first installment of Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared, I was shocked and amused at how much I actually enjoyed puppets for once. Normally, unless it’s The Muppets, I’m a staunch critic of all puppet related media. They creep me out or, in the case of the puppet episode of Community, anger me extremely. I’m well aware this is ridiculous, but I won’t apologize. I dislike puppets.

But I like these puppets! And the second installment of Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared from Becky & Joe is here to entertain, frighten and teach you about the concepts of time. At least I think I learned something.

Either way, I’m off to stare endlessly into the ocean from my cliff-side villa and ponder life. Why are we here? What is my purpose? Did Mark Harmon peak in Summer School?

(Via Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared)

Shia LaBeouf Has Now Entered Legal Waters In His Douche Offensive Against Daniel Clowes

Posted: 08 Jan 2014 09:38 PM PST

Shia LaBeouf

I’m still not sure what to make of the recent Shia LaBeouf hullabaloo on Twitter. I’m aware he blatantly copied Daniel Clowes, apologized with some more stolen goods, faced the backlash head on with the aid of a skywriter and his social skills, made friends with Lena Dunham and Patton Oswalt, and then finally decided to say f*ck it and returned to railing on Daniel Clowes.

Shia LaBeouf

LaBeouf’s next “project” is titled Daniel Boring, an obvious copy of Clowes’ David Boring, and it seems to be the straw that finally broke the camel’s back. LaBeouf received a cease and desist letter from the Clowes camp that he graciously shared on Twitter. It looks real. Smells real. Might be real. And all the public can really do is sit back and wait to see what the next chapter will be. From The AV Club:

The storyboard—which LaBeouf tauntingly photographed on top of head shots of both Oswalt and Seth Rogen, for whatever reason—was an obvious, scene-for-scene copy of Clowes' David Boring, right down to Clowes' own description of his work. This prompted Clowes' lawyers to proclaim it "another direct rip-off," and demand that LaBeouf leave the artist alone.

"Your client is seriously out of control," the letter reads. "He must stop his improper and outlandish conduct."

You can read the full letter below, but I feel that something is rotten in Denmark. I can’t believe that this incredible series of events is even close to real. LaBeouf hired a f*cking skywriter to apologize to the guy who is now threatening litigation! He’s talking out of his head, picking battles he can’t win because of the Internet and being some kind of supervillain douchebag supreme.

I just can’t buy that it is real until I see LaBeouf enter rehab, sincerely apologize and become the fresh faced boy being sent to his doom by Ben Affleck you see above. And if it is performance art, isn’t he just copying Joaquin Phoenix or Andy Kaufman?

For now it is the gift that keeps coming whether you want it or not. And it’s pretty entertaining no matter how you view it, be it performance or reality.

Shia LaBeouf

Shia LaBeouf

(Lead image via gettyimages / Other images via Shia LaBeouf )

The Coachella 2014 Lineup Is Here, And It’s Insane

Posted: 08 Jan 2014 08:43 PM PST


The thought of spending three days in the California desert surrounded by thousands of people ironically wearing Indian headdresses sounds sickening, but then I looked at the lineup Coachella booked for this year, and I suddenly want nothing more than to be surrounded by Indian headdresses. They can even hold up their iPads.


Did I mention Outkast?


I approve of any announcement that has OUTKAST in bold letters.

Conan Proves That Patton Oswalt Is The Punching Bag Of Hollywood With This Hilarious Supercut

Posted: 08 Jan 2014 08:18 PM PST

Patton Oswalt is everywhere at the moment and absolutely killing it. He’s making each and every one of us look bad and I for one have had it up to here with it! Luckily Conan put together a little supercut that allows all of us frustrated types to relish in Oswalt being pummeled and killed in almost every role he’s ever had in film and television.

And even though Ratatouille is a bit of a stretch, all the rest are pretty clear cut. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him in a role that doesn’t involve being beaten, murdered or crippled emotionally.

A few I think the supercut misses are Patton being sucked into a firefighting plane in Magnolia, his appearances in Five Second Films, and the emotional devastation of Famous Mortimer after hearing his parents are divorcing on Mr. Show. He’s only the narrator on The Goldbergs, but I expect to find out he’s only got half a face now or something.

He’s sort of like Lee Majors on The Fall Guy except shorter and funnier. Need a guy to get gang beaten? Call up Oswalt, he doesn’t care. Just make his check out to meat and throw him in the grinder.

(Via Team Coco)

Here’s An Important Reminder To Never Upset The Bakery That’s Making Your Cake

Posted: 08 Jan 2014 06:30 PM PST

Poo Cake 1

We often hear stories of small business owners that behave in ways that could be detrimental to their companies' success and end up backpedaling and begging their customers (and usually people on social media) for forgiveness. Sometimes they own up to the problem and cite poor decision-making in the heat of the moment, and other times they believe that we're all morons and they claim they were hacked. On the rarest of occasions, though, such owners take pride in their offensive behavior and actually use it to attract more customers.

That's what Emma McDonald seems to be doing for her bakery, Oh Cakes, in New Zealand, after it was revealed that she sent a customer a very special custom cake when they didn't see eye-to-eye on a design. When the customer vaguely told McDonald that she wanted chocolate and provided no other details, the baker went ahead and made her a poop cake, complete with a note that read: "Eat sh*t."

Poo Cake

But while Micaela Harris and her guests at her engagement party were shocked and disgusted by this blatant insult, McDonald has apparently been boasting of her cake on her Facebook page and to a number of media outlets.

Ms McDonald refused to comment yesterday. But on Saturday she said on Facebook the story had gone “viral” and had brought business opportunities her way.

“What a day phone calls emails texts from all over the world today . . . Really gotten (sic) out of hand. Nothing really negative that I’ve seen apart from a few who didn’t read and understand it properly.

“Seems to be popping up everywhere . . . business opportunities have been thrown my way as well . . . viral much? seems to be everywhere”.

After The Southland Times ran the story on Saturday, she was quoted in the Herald on Sunday saying she had no regrets.

“I feel she got what she deserved,” she said. (Via the Southland Times)

You know who disagrees with that? Harris, who can't believe that McDonald is using this to promote her bakery.

“I think it was taken too far. As a business owner you come across customers you don’t like but you have got to take the highs and the lows, got to suck it up.”

She was confused why Ms McDonald had continued to repost the media stories on her Facebook page. “You would think she would want it to go away,” Ms Harris said.

So here's the question – did they eat the poop cake? Because I'm betting they ate the poop cake. There were 100 guests at the engagement party, and I have to believe that 1 out of 100 people thought this was hilarious and ate the poop cake, while shouting, "Hey everyone! I'm eating poop!" Trust me, I know my own kind.

NBC Picked Up A Pilot From ‘Happy Endings’ Creator David Caspe

Posted: 08 Jan 2014 05:45 PM PST

David Caspe

First the good news: NBC has picked up the pilot for a new comedy from Happy Endings creator David Caspe, according to Deadline. Marry Me, a single-camera sitcom, doesn’t sound like the most original idea in the world, as it is said to be "in the vein of Mad About You" and about a young couple that just got hitched. Because if there's one thing that we don't have enough of on television, it's relationship sitcoms.

But in fairness to everyone involved, including Caspe as the executive producer and writer and Seth Gordon as the director, Happy Endings didn't have the most original premise either (a group of young friends coping with life and relationships in a big city, oh my!) but Caspe's clever wit and creativity, as well as one of the most underrated casts, helped create a rabid fan base that still isn't ready to let Happy Endings go.

Now the bad news: Marry Me still isn't Happy Endings. But hey, you know what? Let's have a Happy Endings GIF party anyway!

0 Jumper

Penny, no! I said it’s a GIF party, that means it’s happy!

1 Jane cat

1 Left Hanging

2 Team Friendship


4 Double Snookies

5 Turkey Dance

6 Puppy Party

7 Fire in our pants

8 No ring

9 Sup Suckers

10 Laptop dance

11 Brad spinning

12 Orange juice

13 Ribs

14 Brad and Jane

15 Steak me home

Santa Dance 1

Santa Dance 2

Santa Dance 3

Santa Dance 4

10 It's So Beautiful

(Banner via Getty)

Check Out The Incredible Stained Glass Movie Posters Of Designers ‘Von Orton’

Posted: 08 Jan 2014 05:00 PM PST

Van Orton Main

For those of you who might not be hip to my propaganda on FilmDrunk, I thoroughly believe that Big Trouble in Little China is one of the greatest films ever made, and I will continue to spread that gospel until Lo Pan finally breaks his curse and conquers the world. That said, I may or may not have a news search for all things Jack Burton, and that's how I ended up finding the incredible artistic efforts of the designers and twin brothers known collectively as Van Orton Design.

Based in Italy, the brothers have been posting their latest series of stained glass movie posters to their Facebook page, and they've given some of our favorite movies of the 1980s (and one from the 1970s) these incredible new posters that just so happen to be for sale. I know that because it took me all of 10 seconds to email and ask, "How much for the Big Trouble poster?!?!" before throwing a jar of pennies at my monitor.

Check out the rest of their designs and immediately add them to your favorites.

(H/T to Beautiful Decay, learn more about Von Orton by liking them on Facebook)

Back to the Future


Big Trouble in Little China


Blade Runner




Star Wars


Meet The San Francisco Girls Who Are Redefining The Modern Lemonade Stand

Posted: 08 Jan 2014 04:15 PM PST

Lemonade Stand 1

For a while it seemed that any news involving some precocious little kids opening a lemonade stand was immediately followed with scandal and outrage, as full-on SWAT units were being sent to make sure that Betty and Cindy couldn't ever sell a drop of sweat in their towns without first filing for a license. Okay, maybe it wasn’t that bad. However, last week two young girls in San Francisco not only reminded us of the once-adorable Rockwellian neighborhood pastime, but they took it to a brand new, technologically awesome level.

Redditor DorkusPrime uploaded this image of two young girls and their specialty stand, known as "Mia and Taylor's Coffee Shoppe," and people have been going bonkers over it all across the country. Why? What's the big deal about this coffee stand? Well, for starters, they're using a QR code and are accepting bitcoins. Somewhere, Lucy's considering giving the old Psychiatric Help stand an overhaul.

According to FoodBeast, Mia and Taylor have received bitcoin payments for as much as $70 since their story went viral, and just perusing the Reddit thread, you can see people who were making donations just for the charm of the idea, although I'd still love to have one of the snickerdoodles.

Lemonade Stand

Alas, all is not well on Reddit or the Internet in general, as the pessimists and naysayers are calling FAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE on this whole thing. For starters, some people allege, the image might be a photoshop. People have accused DorkusPrime of uploading the original image with his own QR code on it because of the way that it looks on the roof of the girls' stand. However, other Redditors did some really extensive snooping and confirmed that the QR code belongs to these girls and/or their parents. But as far as accusations, DorkusPrime didn't take too kindly to being called a no-good, photoshoppin' swindler.

Lemon 1

Lemon 2

Look, 2013 was a pretty bad year for trust on the Internet, from the revelation that Manti Te’o's girlfriend was a close male family friend to that guy who pretended to be so clever with the lady on the plane or whatever. So I understand if people are going to be a little skeptical, but let’s at least try to find proof that someone is a liar and thief before we start throwing accusations around. There has to be a little humanity left in us, right?

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